Ask a Redhead: Livin' on a Prayer

Hello dear readers! It's time again for ASK A REDHEAD. This week's installment: "Livin' on a Prayer."

Alex Swaekauski of Awesometown writes:

Fall is here. The leaves will soon begin to change color, and so too changes the hair color of my roommate. Come October 1^st the all American blond girl I have been sharing an apartment with for the past year is moving out, and a suspicious redheaded woman is moving in. Let me first off just say that I hold no prejudice against you gingies. I have even professed my penchant for the pale princesses in the past, but I have to say I am not without reservations about this new living arrangement.

There is so much misinformation about redheads out there that I am not sure what changes at home I should anticipate. I have heard rumors of wild mood swings, drunken sleepwalking, odd odors, rare fish farming, ancient Gaelic rituals involving whiskey and shoe polish, and of course orgies. I just do not know what to believe! Can you give me a bit of insight into what I can expect with my future roommate?

Any wisdom from you is much appreciated,
Alex Swaekauski

First of all, I'm glad my advice was so awesome last time around that you came back for more. Sometimes, I'm just making this stuff up as I go!

Secondly, congratulations! Living with a redhead can be challenging but rewarding, like training for a race (that you never end up running); it will be frightening yet exhilarating, like having teenagers dressed like monsters jump out at you at theme parks for Halloween-related events; but most of all, living with your very own ginger will be like having a loyal pet, only this pet is slightly more demanding, way more drunk, and won't ever really love you.

Allow me to clear up some of this nonsense you've heard about your new living situation.

The wild mood swings: TRUE, but don't worry; they go something like this:

Happy-->Delightful-->Pretty-->Hungry-->DanceParty -->Punchy-->Sleepy

So as long as you steer clear during "punchy," you should fair just fine.

The sleepwalking actually occurs when the redhead has fallen asleep prior to being appropriately sauced, so the drunken part comes later, after she finds her way to the liquor cabinet and rights the wrong. But a redhead going to bed sober is such a rare occasion, I don't think you really need to worry about that.

The odd odors COME from the rare fish farming, naturally.

Oh the shoe polish rumor, basically all that means is that if you GIVE your red roomy a bottle of fine whiskey, worry no more about ever having to polish your shoes. She'll take care of that for you. I don't know where the "Gaelic ritual" part comes in. Who comes up with this stuff?

And yes, I think that about covers your list. Completely.

Oh but while I have your attention, it's only fair that I also warn you about animal sacrifices during the vernal equinox, waffles for every meal, and leaving dead lizards on your pillow to show affection.

Best of luck to Alex, and thanks for the great question!

If you have your own Ask a Redhead question, just email me! micki.elizabeth@gmail.com

Ask a Redhead: Scared by Hair

Hello readers! I have missed you! Thanks for coming back.

Ruddiger Blachford of Glendale, CA asks this very serious question:

"I have very little hands-on experience with redheads, and I am very afraid of them. I have a couple of questions to help guard myself against a possible attack: I heard that if red heads go out during daylight, they will catch fire and die. Is this true? Also does garlic act as a ward against red heads?"

Well readers, old Rudds here isn't as confused as one might think.

Redheads do in fact share more than a few similarities with the undead and their consorts. Let's not forget the centuries of persecution we endured when a bunch of idiots thought anybody with red hair must certainly be a witch. In fact, let's remember this specifically during the month of October, which I am designating "Redhead Awareness Month."

Hold on, let's do it in November. I've got some stuff to do in October and it just seems a little cliche, what with Halloween and all.

I do have a small amount of empathy for those who would point the finger at my kind. What if you'd never SEEN a redhead? If you saw me from far away, you might easily mistake my hair for hellfire and think that my head was ablaze as a reaction to sunlight! Simple mistake.

I once went walking through Florence for a day and people honestly pointed at me and yelled "Red! Red!" in Italian. Although, I suspect that was some modern slang for "Witch," because who would be dumb enough to yell the color of a person's hair in the middle of the Plaza della Signoria? And I couldn't even have been the very first redhead they had laid eyes on.

But, I get it. I mean, we're like real-life Leprechauns, without the gold and murderous tendencies. Did you know that if you rub a ginger's head, you get good luck? It's true. And we are powerless to stop you. You can walk up to any redhead on the street and test this out.

So, Ruddy old boy, I get where you're coming from. And I can assure you that I personally LOVE garlic, and that I stare at my reflection for hours on end each day. I am no vampire, buddy! I am VERY friendly! Some (boyfriends) say TOO friendly!

So even though you may, at some point, encounter many redheads that appear more vampiric than say, some poor-man's Edward Scissorhands of recent film fame, don't be afraid of us. We are humans just like you, only well, kinda better than you! I promise, if a redhead tries to lure you into a dark alley in the middle of the night, she's probably just a prostitute. Not a vampire, nor witch, nor leprechaun.

And then my friend, you are very lucky indeed.

Do you have your own 'Ask a Redhead' question? Send it! To: micki.elizabeth@gmail.com

Dear Stupid Idiot Diary

DIARY OF A MAD REDHEAD

or

ON THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES

So many a-holes like to tell us that material goods can't bring happiness. Well, tell that to my collection of vintage Bradbury books, girly dresses and records. God they really give me a tangible self-worth.

But, purging your goods can be good for the soul, I think, and also good for that garage sale my mother is forcing me into.

Having spent a summer at home, I've come across many enlightening, embarrassing forms of nostalgic entertainment. (The notebook from 1997 with a one-item TO DO list that was, luckily, never accomplished: ITEM (1) Get clip-on eyebrow ring.) (Wtf. Can anybody tell me if these even existed? Don't tell me.)

But by far the best find was my very first DIARY (titled MY FIRST DIARY), kept during 1st grade, 1990 - 1991. Everything I've told you about my childhood is absolutely explained in this diary. The loneliness, the temper, and of course the astounding intellect -- it's all there, and most of it is misspelled.

I thought perhaps I would share this very intimate piece of literature, some of my earliest writing (also see: "3 Cheers for Me and You Today"), in the hopes that you non-reds might gain a little more insight.

Being a "My First Diary," this book is set-up with a series of prompts and fill in the blanks. I'll cover the greatest hits here for you. Will you still be my friend?


IF I HAD JUST 3 WISHES, I WOULD WISH THAT...
(1) I could get rich
(2) get famous
(3) get more friends!!!

January 1991: "I wood be good by not getting slips and by not hitting or biting, that is my new year resolution!"

March 1991: SO FAR THIS MONTH I HAVE.... "Got a invatashun from a person I don't really like. Today is Saturday, March 2, 1991 and there is not much to do. I guess I have to go play with my friends."

May 1991: "It is May!! Well anyway I like May so far, everything is fine. I am going to have fun on Monday! My mom is going to bring my cat to school! Oh and dad will come to."

November 1991: "This month is my birthday! I think it's Sharon's fault I got in trouble so much. All Sharon does is get me in trouble. I don't mean to be mean."


Well readers, I think that's a pretty good sample. Oh and, Sharon and I are still friends, FYI. But looking back on it, it was definitely her fault for goading me into the hitting and biting and generally breaking my New Year's Resolutions all the time!

I hope this material has given you a few laughs!! Now it's going in the trash. Time to ponder life for a while.

THE END.

Ask a Redhead: Mad as a Hatter

Hello dear readers!

I have reached a major breakthrough via this week's "Ask a Redhead" that years of therapy never could achieve. Take a long, hard look into my soul through this provoking question from Donald Flask of Waxahachie, Texas:

Dear Micki--

I just watched the new teaser trailer for Tim Burton's upcoming 2010 "Alice In Wonderland" movie. While I found it very alarming, the thing that upset me more than anything was Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter being portrayed as a "Carrot Top" looking redhead. I was wondering if I could get your immediate reaction and thoughts on yet another negative portrayal of redheads by Hollywood.

Sincerely,

--Donald Flask



Donald,

Thank you for alerting me! To get my true immediate reaction, let's watch together now, for the first time, readers!



(The video does get cut-off; you can also view here!)

Whoa, this is just like that Tom Petty video!

Hey -- THAT is Matt Lucas from "Little Britain"! Oh god, I love the Anne sketches from that show. This is probably my favorite. You know, he actually does have alopecia--

Aw, kitty!

Oh okay, here we go, "mad as a hatter," that's good!

Wait a gol-darn second, Donald. THAT is NOT Johnny De-- Oh that IS Johnny Depp! My mistake.

Yeah alright, he's basically being Jack Sparrow with a bright red wig.

Jesus.

Hmm, ok Donald. I definitely see your point here.

But before I write this off as redsploitation, let's take a closer look at Mr. Tim Burton, one of my absolute favorite filmmakers.

He did put his wife, Helena Bonham Carter, in a sort-of red wig for Sweeney Todd -- right?



Now he's just doing the same to his real soul-mate, his man-wife, Johnny...so, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt for that one!

We know his obvious obsession with the avant-garde gothic look and with tow-headed girls with large eyes, sure.

But Burton DOES have a history with redheaded characters in some of his best films.

Winona was strawberry-blond in Edward Scissorhands.



And there is Sally, from the Nightmare Before Christmas, which Burton produced and for which he has story credit:



Um... Pee-Wee's bike is red?

Okay, I'm drawing a blank now... Geena Davis is often a redhead...though... not really in Beetle Juice...



*sigh*

You know, I really wanted to believe that Burton wouldn't resort to a garish red clown wig and a re-hashing of Depp's old characters to bypass any real character development, but let's face it, he hasn't been doing his best work as of late. I am finally ready to admit that.

All these years I clung to my love of Tim's vivid imagination in many of the films that inspired me to want to be a writer in the first place. And now he's gone and crushed what little belief I held onto that someday he would do me right and return to form. And direct the greatest redheaded heroine film history has ever seen.

But it's time to stop living in this dreamworld and take a good, hard look at reality. I see this now.

Thanks a lot, Donald Flask.

If YOU have a question for this redhead, email me! micki.elizabeth@gmail.com

p.s. I will definitely still see this movie. Crispin Glover!!

Ode to the Weasleys

Hey nerds, welcome back from Comic Con SD! I missed you!

Unlike many of you Harry Potter fans out there, I was not disappointed by the recent 6th installment, in all of its Half-Blood Prince-ery; but then again, I had alcoholic butterbeer served to me in the oft-voted ‘best theater in America,’ the Alamo Drafthouse. So.

Sure, I have my complaints (Dumbledore’s poison-bender scene should have been WAY more intense! More Fred and George, always, I demand it!). But even though I didn’t walk away feeling as angered as many Potterheads, I was still seeing red…

That’s right. The Weasleys. (They all have red hair!)

Harry’s lovable, red-headed surrogate family: the mortar that binds Rowling’s character web together, voice and sounding board of all pertinent exposition -- and the whole lot’s not bad-looking, either.

It’s clear that Rowling depended on standby stereotypes to characterize the Weasley family members. Fine. But with so many redheads in one story, it seems to me like she divied up the many sides of one (1) redhead and dispersed them among the clan. Like so:

RON – He’s the outsider who, let’s face it, wouldn’t have a friend in the world if it weren’t for Harry. He’s got a hot temper that rarely has a leg to stand on. He does and says stupid, stupid things. Ron somehow managed to be the red-headed stepchild in a family comprised entirely of redheads. Frankly, I don’t know how this kid is still alive. And sometimes, he roars like a lion (ok, one time, one time he did). All this to say, I have a minor crush on a fictional character – but nothing like my desperate love for:

The Twins, FRED AND GEORGE – Let’s say there are a lot of little pieces Ron has not been able to put together to give some semblance of getting a life. His older brothers have managed to scoop up those pieces, turn them into a well-marketed charm and then sell them for 5 Galleons each to their idiot brother Ron. These Weasleys embody the essence of what it is to take the teasing and torment and make it your own. The hot, sexy essence. Again, Rowling has made 2 characters from 1 set of characteristics, but hey, twins are the same person anyway, right? Whatever the case, there was some MAJOR mutation going on with that egg, am I right?

This brings us to GINNY, the sultry ginger seductress that Harry pines for. Read: total slut. In every corner booth and dark alley she can find, snogging any dude with a wand. Yeah, I’m just jealous, like 97% of all girls are whether they admit it or not. But at least she’s on my team.

Put the 4 youngest Weasleys together (except for stupid Ron, what a wiener) and you might get one well-rounded character. That J.K. Rowling sure has a lot to learn about writing!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got an appointment with Bob Ogden...

Ask a Redhead: Redheads in Rock

Hello dear readers!

Have I got a treat in store for you -- this week's "Ask a Redhead" comes from an actual redhead! It goes like this:

Hey Micki,

I have been described as a "Fiery Redhead" and I also dream of being a rock star. It seems like a perfect match, yet, I can't seem to think of any famous ruby red rock stars. What gives? Is there a conspiracy against us or do redheads just suck at music?

Please Help,
Bright Red Artist Dude


Good question, albeit self-effacing, just like a true redhead -- which means, you've passed the test!

First of all, let me just get the OBVIOUS out of the way:



You remember that song, right? Okay, now that we are all done feeling totally jealous about that sweet video...

I had noticed that despite there being quite a few bands with the word "Redhead" or something very similar in their name, the percentage of redheads in bands is low, even after taking into account our limited population.

But, Bright Red Artist Dude, if you do a little digging -- if you take a little trip into history, or what I like to call fun-history, or what the curator of our super secret redhead lair calls "Hall of Records 2B," you might find a little story about a man called ALROY LUGHAIDH, which is Celtic for "red haired ancient sun god."

Alroy was the first redhead on record to be born into his clan, and was thus regarded in the highest noble class, even though he had no real job or marketable skills to speak of -- until one day, while apprenticing with his father, he crafted a crude guitar.

At first, the guitar had no strings, but Alroy just loved to bang away on the fine wooden box. During chores, lunch breaks, and long into the night, you could not STOP this kid from rocking. His parents secretly hated their son, but had such great fear in their hearts -- his mother, sure it was some past sin she committed that could have created red hair from her own golden locks -- and so, they said nothing.

Sooner or later, Alroy figured out how to attach horse hairs to pluck, and found he could produce a beautiful sound. Soon, he was in high demand, playing for the entire clan every night into the dawn, at which point the partying would commence, followed by yet another night of raucous guitar-playing, and then more partying during each daytime.

But, Alroy let it all go to his head. Which was not cliche at the time.

He had a few catchy hits when he first began to play, but his brethren soon grew tired of those songs and demanded more. Alroy nearly broke under the pressure to create a follow-up hit. When he began to play new songs around the fires at night, a lot of the clan agreed that the songs were still pretty good and fun to sing to. Others said he was simply playing the same 3 chords over and over, and that his new music was obviously derivative of the Celtic songs of praise they all learned as children, and who was Alroy kidding with this shit?

Alroy's story does not have a happy ending -- he alienated his friends. His estranged mother, weary from years of guilt over her freak son, went totally bonkers in the head. And, during one especially crazy night of rocking, he knocked up a fat chick whom he later married. When Alroy went away to battle and came back unscathed, one of the few men to do so, his batshit mother poisoned him, and that was the end.

My point, Bright Red Artist Dude, is that not only do we have some fine representatives of our hair color in the rock world -- we can lay claim to perhaps the very first rock 'n' roll star, ever.

Plus, I think a certain someone has been known to rock the microphone.

Thanks for the most excellent question, see you at the rally on Friday!

Do you have your own Ask a Redhead question? Email me at micki.elizabeth@gmail.com

Redhead Review: Red-Headed Woman (1932)

Several weeks ago, I added the 1932 pre-code “forbidden” film Red-Headed Woman, starring Jean Harlow in a wig, to my Netflix queue. As is usually the case, I finally got around to it only after several ‘emergency viewing’ films and a season of Breaking Bad later.

Well worth the wait, I say!

When she’s not speaking in her (deliberately) annoying baby voice, Jean Harlow is great as a conniving red-headed secretary bent on seducing her way through life. She must have done extensive research to get into character, because sometimes it was like watching a black and white mirror!

Get inside the mind of a redhead with these gems:

This perfume smells so good, I’ll spray it in my mouth!

You say you’re too proud to meet me, your friend’s new slutty wife? No problem, I’ll seduce you, sleep with you, and then reveal my identity! Pleasure to meet you.

Dumped again?! Where is that poisonous gin my roommate’s booze-moving boyfriend lost business over? And that 8 x 10 photo of my lover – there it is, bottom’s up! That’s what I call a good Tuesday night.


The best part is, she never gets her come-uppance. She simply moves to Paris and starts the process again. Say, I like this lady!

The second-best part is the title song, with lyrics like:

“My lips are hot, but what they do is hotter,”
“The Doctors say her only sins are just too many vitamins,”
“I warn you all you’re about to fall for a red-headed woman.”

The script by Anita Loos is full of quick wit and innuendo, but my favorite quote was pretty straight-forward: “When I kiss him, I stay kissed for a long time.”

It’s no wonder this left a sour taste in the mouths of the sexually repressed. But Loos and director Jack Conway did their fair share of creative camera angles and suggestive story editing. There were naked bits all over this film, just out of frame.

But my hands-down favorite scene was when (married) boss and object of seduction Mr. Legendre visits Lillian to put a stop to the madness, and she locks him in her room until he “hears her out.” As the camera pans around the room, he slaps her about pretty good. Regretful, Legendre lays a sobbing Lillian on her bed and asks for the key so that he can return home, to his wife. Lil pointedly slides it into her unmentionables.

CUT TO

the hearing of Legender vs. Legender.

I wish there had been more memorable quotes pertaining specifically to redheads; but, for Harlow’s performance (for basically playing a drunk the entire time) and Loos’ dialogue, I give Red-Headed Woman 3 out of 4 MC1R receptors.

Once more, with feeling!,